Tragically Beautiful life.

Today I opened up a news Internet site to the picture of a mother being held back by police officers while she cried and had to deal with the loss of her son, Junior Seau. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, well for me today, that picture was worth a thousand emotions. As I read that he was a victim of suicide, and yes I say victim, my heart was ripped out. The thought that someone else in the world has to experience the pain of loss, grief, and abandonment like I did made me want to cry out for them. There is nothing in this world that can explain all the feelings you have when you hear the word "suicide" added to the name of the person you love in one sentence. Feelings of hopelessness, abandonment, fear, loss, and confusion set in immediately. You go through times of wanting to crawl into the grave with them to be buried forever; to times of joy knowing that person doesn't have to deal with all the evils and illnesses of the world. Closure will never come, but I am here to tell you that healing does happen and it is beautiful. I was not a believer in the saying that time heals all wounds, but I will tell you today that it is the truth. I have been to the most rock bottom that I have ever been, and it took me almost taking my own life to realize how precious it is to live, to breath, to hug your family, to fall in love again, and  to feel the confidence of knowing that you are supposed to be here for some Divine reason. I am not sure what my calling in life is, but I do know that I am here to support those who fall. God gave me the strength I have on purpose. I lost sight of myself, my goals, my place in life, my family, my true friends, my strength and my religion for awhile and I lost it all again when I lost my best friend to suicide. I was left to face this life alone and I didn't think I could do it. In the past 6 months I have picked myself up off the ground countless times and because of that I have found who i really am. I am ready for life, I am ready for love, and I am ready to move past my pride and accept the things in my life that I know are right. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my family, friends, and God. I am so grateful that I have found the important things in life. I am so grateful that I had Danny in my life for as long as I did and that I will have the Toone's in my life forever. I am so so thankful that I have gotten closer to my sisters throughout this process of grief and finding myself. I don't know what I would do without them. Family is amazing. I cannot wait for the next phase of life. I want a family of my own. I want to get married and have kids. I never thought I would be able to say that. Life is tragically beautiful and I love it!